I am not a gluttonous pig with a penchant for fortune cookies. Why am I telling you this? Here’s the condensed reason…

I’m Catholic. It’s Lent. No meat on Fridays until after Easter. I was home alone. Didn’t want to cook. Had a couple dozen fortune cookies (why? keep reading). Dinner.

I have this little issue with fortune cookies, when I start reading them I become obsessed and open all of them to see what they say. Why? Because I’m odd like that. Which is why I always order a lot of them.

I start wondering.. OMG! What if they are true? So when I read one that gives me the willies I have to open another one in hopes that it will counter-fortunize the one before it. Tonight started off no differently, but by the time I got about halfway through them, I started wondering if the fortune writer was perverted because some of them were a bit.. well perverted. I had suggestive fortunes in my cookies! At first they made me laugh, but then they got personal and started attacking my sexual prowess.

• Be calm when confronting an emergency crisis. Oh hell! What now?
• An unexpected event will bring you riches. Riches? Like a ménage a trio perhaps? Mmm.. not today, but thanks!
• Twinkle twinkle little nooky, don’t you wish you weren’t a rooky? WTF???
• Tread carefully, disaster awaits you. No fair! I vetoed the ménage a trio didn’t I?
• Nibble here, nibble there, soon you’ll nibble everywhere. On..?
• Safe sex is in the palm of your hand. Okay, which do I use, the cookie or the fortune?
• A wild trip awaits you. Okay.. not eating that cookie.
• You love oral sex, but hate the phone bill. Well you got me there.
• Be patience, you are almost there. Yippee! Where am I going?
• This fortune is your award for giving the worst nooky. Fark you!
• Your smile has the power to extinguish others’ gloom. Oh goodie! At least I can offer them something after that bad nooky.
• It’s not the size that counts. Actually, it is the size.. you jerk.

Let me tell ya, when you are home alone and you start talking to fortune cookies, sometimes rather harshly, there is just something really wrong with that in so many ways.

I think maybe I forgot to take my Paxil this morning.

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The kids and I walked out of the house this morning to head to school. We were right in the midst of a heated debate regarding the acting skills of “The Suite Life of Zack & Cody” cast, when Sal, my 6 year old daughter shouts.. “Mom, birds are eating our car!”

For attention getters.. that worked. I broke off from my comments regarding the twins overacting and the really cute haircut that Zack & Cody’s mom sports, looked up and was greeted by the sight of at least 500 gazillion blackbirds. The darn things were everywhere! On the car, in the driveway, on the lawn.. just everywhere. It was downright freaky I tell you. Okay, maybe it was freaky because I can’t stand birds… I think I saw Hitchcock’s “The Birds” at way too early of an age, or maybe it was freaky because it WAS freaky damn it. Did you get that or do I need to reiterate… FREAKY!

As I slowly started backing up and whispering for the kids to move slow and head for the house, expecting the attack, where our eyes would be pecked out, to come at any moment.. my 15 yr old son, started laughing at me and let out a sharp whistle. Just like that, they scattered, gone with the wind. I let out a sigh of relief… until I saw it…

One lone blackbird, with a crazed look in its eye and a taste for the ragtop on my black T-Bird. Perhaps it mistook my car for a mate.. who knows, but you could tell by the way he was pecking away at the roof of my car that he had no intentions of joining his brothers in flight. I screamed at it.. he just looked at me and continued to peck. So I threw a rock at it.

That darn thing still didn’t budge. Finally, ignoring my pleading to stay back, my son walked up to the car and simply said, “Go away.” The bird, that I now think was only there to mock me, flew off the car, swooshing right by my head.. I yelped.. the kids laughed at me, because that’s the kind of family we are.. we laugh at each others distress… I’ve raised them so well.

Anyway, the mutant bird is gone now. I inspected the ragtop for damage and surprisingly found none. With the way he was pecking away at it, I just knew there would be a huge hole in it.

I honestly had no idea those things tasted so darn good.

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“Britney Spears left a live-in rehabilitation facility early Wednesday, less than a day after checking in, according to several reports. It was the second time in a week that Spears entered a rehab facility and checked out before her first day was finished.”

You know… recently I had a family member become ill. The doctors and hospital had no problem what-so-ever, taking the reins and every (so it seemed at the time) choice out of our hands and the “ill” persons’ hands. I’m not saying this issue was exactly as Britney’s. However, SomeBody should be able to stand up and save this girl. In the very least, try.

Because she is rich and famous does Not mean she should be left alone.

Were she a ‘normal’ person, she’d be in a hospital room, tied to a bed, so she couldn’t walk away from the addiction that will kill her - for her own good.

Don’t get me wrong. I am Not a Britney fan and I’m not an advocate. But this is a young woman, A baby.
She is clearly in trouble. Not a ‘power person’ who should be the butt of jokes. This is not funny.

What next… we all gossip, joke and morn about the girl who’s life was cut way to short? Spend years rehashing what she could have, should have been?

Pardon my rant.
A month ago, I’d have been talking shit about this little (nasty word).
But, there comes a point when one realizes… this isn’t spoiled rich kid anymore. it’s a person in trouble.

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I have been sitting here, honestly at a loss, reading some of the reviews that this year’s winner of the Newbery Medal (the most prestigious award in children’s literature) has been getting. Actually it makes me want to grab the adults writing these reviews by the collar and just shake them until their eyebrows fall off.

The book that is for the 9 -12 age group, that won this year’s award and is being banned (translates to censorship is still alive and kicking) from libraries all across the country is “The Higher Power of Lucky” by Susan Patron. Why is it being banned? Because of the use of the word “scrotum” on the first page of the book. Yes it could have been left out.. but at the same time it fits with the story so what’s wrong with it? I bet it captures kids attention, makes them laugh.. and hooks them enough to read the whole book too. So precisely where does the problem come in? In the minds of prudes.. that’s where.

Hello.. do you think kids this age are not using far more offensive terms for this particular body part? Or just because it’s a word and area of the human body that you yourself consider taboo and never to be discussed, unless it is given some cutesy 3 year old nickname like “coinpurse” that they are doing the same? You are a blind fool that is living in some alternate universe if you do. When is it okay for a kid to read the word scrotum.. when they are no longer a kid?

Hell, my sons asked me at that age if I had ever put their dad’s penis in my mouth and if I did.. why did I do it? After I picked my tongue up off the floor, I realized that up until that question was asked, I made the mistake of thinking they were far too young and innocent to even think such thoughts. More the fool I.  …read more

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