This cracks me up every time I watch it. It reminds me so much of my boys and their friends…

If you have problems getting the video to play and want to see it, you should be able to use this link… The New Thing

30 Groovy Comments

Hammer, whose blog I absolutely love, invited everyone to do this meme, so here goes…

List four sentences you’ve never said before:

1. This concrete sure is taking a long time to set up.
2. Yummy, that semen sure was tasty.
3. I can’t remember where I parked my Ferrari.
4. Fuck me in the ass please.

List any number of song titles that describe how you’ve felt this week:

1. Am I Stupid - Five Iron Frenzy
2. Look Back & Laugh - Minor Threat
3. Pretty Vacant - The Sex Pistols
4. I Wanna Be Sedated - The Ramones

Imagine you’re having the ideal perfect day. What four things would you be doing?

1. Spending lots of someone else’s money in a huge bookstore.
2. Hanging out online, but not checking any of my sites except this one.
3. Reading a really good book.
4. Taking a long, uninterrupted bubble bath.

Make up five creative names for a new rock band:

1. Phallic Cymbals
2. Grand Theft Virginity (GTV)
3. Witch’s Titties & The Brass Brassieres
4. All Day Sucker
5. Big Anus & The Red Eyes

Congratulations! You get to go back in time and ensure that three songs were never written, thus sparing humanity from ever having to hear them. What three songs would get the axe?

1. Sunglasses At Night - Corey Hart
2. Don’t Worry Be Happy - Bobby McFerrin
3. Having My Baby - Paul Anka

If anyone else does this meme, let me know. I would love to see your answers.

34 Groovy Comments

I told my kids to go get into some trouble.. get arrested or something, because I needed something to blog. You have no idea how hard it is to follow up a post titled “Eating Pussy”. Anyway, apparently my kids can’t perform on demand and they’ve been good.. okay that’s stretching it.. they haven’t been real bad, but the weekend is coming up, so that probably won’t last. That means ya’ll get stuck reading about my fire related activities.

This was actually 4 separate posts but is now 1 because I sorta, kinda have a fire theme going here.. forced at times, but fire theme nonetheless. Just play along, humor me and pretend you don’t notice the forced parts.

Lust: Burning In Hell…

I was visiting my 97 year old grandmother in the hospital yesterday. It’s a catholic hospital and while I was there this rather young.. and VERY attractive priest came to visit her while making his rounds. OMG! I actually fantasized about a priest while he was standing right in front of me doing his priestly duties. I probably knocked myself out of the running for an eternity spent in heaven, because the likelihood of my panties spontaneously combusting at the time was very high.

I got my mind out of the gutter for about two seconds, actually got embarrassed, which takes a good bit of doing by the way, and figured my face was blood red (damn this fair skin!) since I could feel the heat slowly but surely working its way out of my nether regions and up to my neck and face. Then I decided that since I had already consigned myself to burning in the pits of hell, and being the obviously horny, needs to have sex in a really bad way person that I am right now, I let my mind re-strip him of his collar and everything else and jumped right back in the gutter. I’m such a bad person… I can’t believe I just told ya’ll about that.

Antibacterial or Accelerant…

Liquid dish washing detergent. Did you know that shit is flammable? Holy hell.. no need to buy gasoline if you have some of that stuff!

It was around 3:00am the other morning when I started smelling this funky smell. Went to investigate and saw that I had left one of those candles in a jar burning. Well the candle itself was burnt up, but there was still a bit of wax in there or something, because the whole damn inside of the jar was aflame.

This happened on the same night that a friend of mine who I’ll call Craig because that’s his name, left me with no running water in my kitchen sink. He is positively the WORST plumber in the world so it’s a good thing that isn’t his day job. Anyway, he was putting in a new faucet for me and couldn’t get the damn thing installed properly so I had no running water. This left me in a dilemma with the flaming jar since no amount of blowing was going to put out. I know this because I tried.

I grabbed it, burnt the hell out of my right hand, dropped it over in the sink, then remembered oh shit.. no water. So panicking a bit, I grabbed the liquid dish washing stuff that was sitting there and squirted a liberal amount inside the jar. DO.NOT.EVER.DO.THAT!

Good God! I had a damn bonfire going on in the sink. I freaked out, couldn’t remember what the hell you were supposed to put on fires. Was it salt? baking soda? flour? pepper? Hell I had no clue, so I grabbed the carton of milk out of the fridge thinking.. well it’s wet so that should work. It was also ice cold and the second it touched the burning jar it exploded. I had shards of glass and some liquidy black crap that I assumed was scorched milk all over the kitchen.. it sucked!

Midnight Backfire…

My daughter woke up screaming the other night because she thought one of her brothers had glued her eyes shut while she slept. I figured they probably hadn’t done that, but I wasn’t completely sure because they just can’t be trusted and they’re crazy. So I got to looking and realized she had a raging case of pink eye and all the nasty oozage crap that goes with it. Oozage isn’t a word by the way.. or so Firefox is indicating.

Anyway.. she woke everyone in the house up with her screaming. Checked out the boy’s eyes and sure enough they were looking pinkish too.. that meant no school the next day. Since everyone was wide awake at this point, we decided to get even with our neighbors for blowing their leaves into our yard even though we have repeatedly asked them not to, as well as a couple of other things they needed to be paid back for. Obviously, we’re a vengeful lot, so just keep reading and be glad you don’t live next door to us.

We got out the fireworks and shot off a few bottle rockets just to harass them because we are good neighbors like that. Well my 14 year old son shot one too low to the ground and it landed in dried up leaves that had us out there to begin with. We didn’t have a raging fire, it was really more like a smoldering, but I’m counting it as fire because I had a burning desire to tell you about our plan that backfired.. see how easy I made that fit with my fire theme?

Floating Fire…

My kids.. I know you are probably tired of hearing about them, because I’m tired of hearing about them.. hell sometimes I’m just tired of them period, but what’s a mom to do?

The boys are pissed at me right now. Apparently, I’m the “only mother in the world that suffers from paranoia so bad that you won’t let us stay home alone like other normal kids our age get to!”

That was a direct quote from my 15 year old. Hahaha, poor delusional kid! I told him.. “Well sugar you said it all right there.. other NORMAL kids… you and your brother are NOT normal.” All this came about yesterday afternoon when I told them to come on so we could go to the store, just having had a perfect example of my reasoning on this take place about 10 minutes before…

15 y/o: “Mom can I use the lighter?”

Me: “Hell no, you can’t use the lighter!”

15 y/o: “But I need it for an experiment.”

Me: “What kind of experiment?”

15 y/o: “I soaked some kite string in hair spray and have it tacked to the ceiling in my room. I need the lighter so I can light the end of it. I want to take pictures of it and see if it will look like fire floating in midair.”

Me:

Pfft.. and he wonders why they can’t stay home alone…

35 Groovy Comments

I’m trying to decide what type of bodily harm I’m going to inflict on my 14 year old son. So far I have ruled out bashing his skull into a wall, because it sounds like it could be bloody and I don’t want to have to clean that shit up.

I’ve also ruled out knocking his teeth out since he is already missing 4 on the top anyway. He lost those when he had to have bone replacement surgery in his mouth a few months ago. Okay long story there but he had to have this surgery because of a bike and then later a go-cart accident that happened a while ago, which is something I’m sure you don’t want to hear about, so we will just leave it with he no longer has 4 of his top front teeth.

Since he can’t get implants until he is 16, that means I would only be knocking out the false ones, that for some freak ass reason he is inclined to drop down onto his bottom teeth every time he talks to this one particular teacher in his Modern Society and Cultures class. It disturbs the man so deeply that he feels a need to send me notes about it EVERY DAMN WEEK.

No kidding, each week this man sends me a note saying things like.. “Once again I find myself in a position that necessitates contacting you regarding your son’s antics. I fear if this behavior continues he will soon become known as the ‘class clown’ and I know you do not want that to happen.” So I send him these short notes back saying things like.. “I don’t?” or “Fixadent???” and the occasional “That ass!”

Now before any teachers or other moms out there start labeling me as a “bad parent” let me explain. I originally started off sending serious replies to him. First I talked to my son, told him that if he got in trouble for disrupting or harassing the teacher he was going to find himself in a world of trouble. I then sent replies to the teacher telling him what I had said to my son and offered up suggestions of threatening or giving my son detention if he continued doing something he told him not to do.

But the nut sent me a note back saying that he hadn’t spoken to my son about it and that he really wasn’t being disruptive since he sat in the front of the class and no one but him really sees when he does it. It’s something that apparently just bugs the man.. so you know.. sorry pal but if he isn’t breaking any rules, disrupting class, or doing something you have told him not to do.. and it’s just a matter of you being grossed out or whatever.. then I just really don’t give a shit and so began our weekly note passing, that I admittedly didn’t place any importance on.

Anyway.. back to bodily harm. Last week this same son, asked me some questions that I thought nothing of because all of my kids do that. They are always asking off the wall crap, sometimes because they genuinely want to know, but most often for a laugh, shock value or just for the hell of it because it’s whatever popped in their mind at time and they just blurted it out.

A good example of this being this morning’s ride to school, where one son asked if I knew how much a boob job cost and why would a woman that was already married and not trying to get a guy want one (good God), and the other son threw in that since he was listening to his iPod, he thought his brother asked how much a blow job was (holy shit!), which thankfully went right over my 6 year old daughter’s head because she asked if I knew how the doctors tied a woman’s tubes.. see what I mean about the kind of crap they ask?

So when he asked me some of these questions, not back to back, just randomly thrown in throughout the day and in a way that started out like our typical chats, “Hey mom, how do you feel..”, I replied the same way I always do.. goofy & silly, thinking this was just one of my kids being his “normal” self.

Which brings me to why I’m seeking ways to inflict bodily harm all over his ass. I got another note from the teacher with teeth issues, but this time it was me that was in trouble…

Mrs. Blah… yeah he had my name here,

I find myself in a quandary over what to do regarding the interview assignment you participated in with C*****. I was momentarily perplexed when I first heard your replies to the questions as they were read aloud during today’s class period, and am hoping this note will receive a reply that sheds some light on the situation.

While I am considering the possibility that you personally did not answer the interview questions, I find myself uncertain. I am basing my uncertainty on your lackadaisical attitude that is apparent in the replies to my previous notes that have been sent to your attention regarding C******’s teeth.

I have attached C*****’s written copy for your perusal. After doing so, I would appreciate your taking the time to notify me, either confirming that these are indeed the answers you supplied, or if C****** failed to complete his assignment per the instructions.

If these are your answers, ones that I find to be highly inappropriate, then I can only surmise that you do not take this class or my assignments seriously and suggest we confer as soon as possible in an attempt to remedy this problem.

C****** is an excellent student with above average grades. I would hate to see his GPA drop over some misunderstanding that has come about over our past dealings with one another.

Sincerely,
Mr. Pain In My Ass Teacherman

H-o-l-y.S-h-i-t! How damn embarrassing is that? After I looked up the words quandary, perusal and lackadaisical to make sure I was taking their meaning the right way.. and then actually looked at the paper, I decided my son’s ass was obviously begging to receive pain. Not because he failed to do the assignment per the instructions.. but because that butt head actually turned in the answers I gave him, knowing that I would have NEVER answered them that way if I had known why he was asking them…

Q: What’s your occupation?
A: I don’t have one, as you well know. I spend all day doing nothing, laying around, smoking, cussing, piddling around on the computer and looking for excuses to beat you, your brother and your sister because I know at some point through the day your going to need it. Might as well just get it over with.

Q: If you lived in the Middle East, what would your stance be in regards to the United States’ presence there?
A: Hmm, good question. I think my stance would more than likely be one in a hunkered down position behind a large tree or perhaps a building, way off to the side and away from the action, because I don’t want to get shot.

Q: How do you feel about sex on TV during prime time hours?
A: I think it’s great as long as you don’t fall off, and provided of course people aren’t sitting around trying to watch some program.

And then there were a few more that I actually answered seriously, ones about religion, presidential elections, and whatnot, but those didn’t get me in trouble so screw those. He also answered a few of them on his own, like my name, age, etc.. however, in light of the other answers, I wish hadn’t.. he could have at least made up some fake person, used his dad’s name or something.. anything but mine would have worked for me. But no, he had to give them mine and get my ass in trouble, probably so he could get a chuckle from his classmates and really earn that title of ‘class clown’.

So I sent the teacher his damn reply and told him what the situation was.. I’m not quite sure that he believed me because he is a pompous ass that apparently has no sense of humor AT ALL. He was nice enough however to give us a second chance to do the assignment properly.

So now that just leaves the bodily harm, then once again all will be right in my little corner of the world…

48 Groovy Comments

It’s a beautiful day here! Sunny, light breeze.. perfect day for playing outside, enjoying the Spring weather and yes.. it’s a perfect day for eating Pussy. But then everyday around here is a perfect day for eating Pussy.

Luke and Sam, who try to eat Pussy every chance they get, were outside this morning running around playing in the backyard. I was sitting at the kitchen table watching them through the window while waiting for the coffee to quit brewing. It brought a smile to my face watching their antics and generally just having a grand old time.

They romped through the flowerbeds, chased each other through the woods behind our house, ran over into our neighbor’s backyard to retrieve their ball that was left there yesterday.. forgotten when something more fun and exciting came along.. more than likely Pussy, but I’m not sure.

My coffee finished brewing, and I had just gotten up to add a dollop of it to my cup of cream and sugar, when I heard my neighbor, Mrs. L, start screaming loud enough to wake the dead… “Get away from my Pussy! Cathy! Help me! They are trying to eat my little Pussy again!”

Now, as you can imagine, this worried me. Mainly because Mrs. L is really old, and I didn’t want to even remotely be responsible if she fell dead of a heart attack while trying to protect her Pussy. So once I quit laughing my ass off that she actually screamed for pussy protection, I went running for the door.

Sure enough, Luke and Sam were at it again. The scent of Pussy must have been high on the air and driving them crazy with the desire to dive head first to feast on the mass of grey hair that covered Mrs. L’s quivering Pussy. I screamed at them to stop, but they paid me no attention at all.. “the lust for juicy spicy” as my 90ish grandmother calls it had taken control and there was no amount of coaxing in the world that was going to overcome that.

I ran outside, cringing each time I heard the elderly lady screaming for help. When I got to the bottom of the yard I saw that Mrs. L’s Pussy was straddling a tree limb pretty far off the ground. After quickly determining that even though her Pussy was precariously perched on the limb, she was, for the time being, relatively safe. So I turned my attention to Luke and Sam.

I immediately started scolding them and ended up having to slap Luke on the ass to get his attention. I yelled for him to get the hell out of there and amazingly with a minimal amount of fuss he ran off with Sam following close behind. Okay.. that was one problem solved. Then it was Pussy time…

I tried coaxing her out of the tree but I ended up having to reach up and grab Mrs. L’s Pussy and yank her out of it myself. All the while I had to endure an earful of rather harsh remarks about how irresponsible I am and my inability to control the two boys, along with impossible to take suggestions like getting rid of them, or putting everyone out of their misery and chaining their “rotten, no good, mangy asses to a post”.

While I felt bad over the whole situation, and saw truth in some of what she was saying, I felt it was my duty as their guardian to shut up her ranting when she starting threatening them. Saying things like the next time her Pussy was in jeopardy that she was going to shoot them, or she might make them something good to eat and add a lethal dose of anti-freeze. How dare she?!?

So I told her.. “Wait just a minute Mrs. L! This wouldn’t even be a problem if you could control that damn Pussy of yours!” So we made a deal.. she keeps her Pussy in her yard where it belongs.. and Luke and Sam will stay in ours.. venturing no where near her damn Pussy ever again.

But now I find myself in a dilemma.. and I’m asking myself all kinds of questions.. should I take her suggestion and attach them to a leash of some sort? Personally, I hate seeing dogs chained up.. Did I mention that Luke and Sam are our dogs? Sorry if I left that out. Anyway, I’m also wondering why anyone, regardless of their age would actually name their cat Pussy?

I had to make a “No More Pussy” rule to prevent my sons from calling it by name for goodness sake. I found they were enjoying discussing the cat way to much, saying things like.. “Ohh, that’s a good Pussy, yes she is!”, “Mom, is it okay if we play with Pussy?”, “Look at the pretty Pussy!” And telling their friends things like.. “My mom lets me play with Pussy anytime I want.” Oh yeah.. that was just what I needed.. two teen sons with a legitimate reason to say the word pussy every chance they got, so the rule was born… No More Pussy!

Anyway, here we are now.. where we once looked upon Mrs. L’s Pussy as a source of humor, it has now become the bane of our existence, as well as a threat to Luke and Sam’s lives.

I never knew Pussy could be so dangerous.

58 Groovy Comments