Crack That Whip
I’m trying to decide what type of bodily harm I’m going to inflict on my 14 year old son. So far I have ruled out bashing his skull into a wall, because it sounds like it could be bloody and I don’t want to have to clean that shit up.
I’ve also ruled out knocking his teeth out since he is already missing 4 on the top anyway. He lost those when he had to have bone replacement surgery in his mouth a few months ago. Okay long story there but he had to have this surgery because of a bike and then later a go-cart accident that happened a while ago, which is something I’m sure you don’t want to hear about, so we will just leave it with he no longer has 4 of his top front teeth.
Since he can’t get implants until he is 16, that means I would only be knocking out the false ones, that for some freak ass reason he is inclined to drop down onto his bottom teeth every time he talks to this one particular teacher in his Modern Society and Cultures class. It disturbs the man so deeply that he feels a need to send me notes about it EVERY DAMN WEEK.
No kidding, each week this man sends me a note saying things like.. “Once again I find myself in a position that necessitates contacting you regarding your son’s antics. I fear if this behavior continues he will soon become known as the ‘class clown’ and I know you do not want that to happen.” So I send him these short notes back saying things like.. “I don’t?” or “Fixadent???” and the occasional “That ass!”
Now before any teachers or other moms out there start labeling me as a “bad parent” let me explain. I originally started off sending serious replies to him. First I talked to my son, told him that if he got in trouble for disrupting or harassing the teacher he was going to find himself in a world of trouble. I then sent replies to the teacher telling him what I had said to my son and offered up suggestions of threatening or giving my son detention if he continued doing something he told him not to do.
But the nut sent me a note back saying that he hadn’t spoken to my son about it and that he really wasn’t being disruptive since he sat in the front of the class and no one but him really sees when he does it. It’s something that apparently just bugs the man.. so you know.. sorry pal but if he isn’t breaking any rules, disrupting class, or doing something you have told him not to do.. and it’s just a matter of you being grossed out or whatever.. then I just really don’t give a shit and so began our weekly note passing, that I admittedly didn’t place any importance on.
Anyway.. back to bodily harm. Last week this same son, asked me some questions that I thought nothing of because all of my kids do that. They are always asking off the wall crap, sometimes because they genuinely want to know, but most often for a laugh, shock value or just for the hell of it because it’s whatever popped in their mind at time and they just blurted it out.
A good example of this being this morning’s ride to school, where one son asked if I knew how much a boob job cost and why would a woman that was already married and not trying to get a guy want one (good God), and the other son threw in that since he was listening to his iPod, he thought his brother asked how much a blow job was (holy shit!), which thankfully went right over my 6 year old daughter’s head because she asked if I knew how the doctors tied a woman’s tubes.. see what I mean about the kind of crap they ask?
So when he asked me some of these questions, not back to back, just randomly thrown in throughout the day and in a way that started out like our typical chats, “Hey mom, how do you feel..”, I replied the same way I always do.. goofy & silly, thinking this was just one of my kids being his “normal” self.
Which brings me to why I’m seeking ways to inflict bodily harm all over his ass. I got another note from the teacher with teeth issues, but this time it was me that was in trouble…
Mrs. Blah… yeah he had my name here,
I find myself in a quandary over what to do regarding the interview assignment you participated in with C*****. I was momentarily perplexed when I first heard your replies to the questions as they were read aloud during today’s class period, and am hoping this note will receive a reply that sheds some light on the situation.
While I am considering the possibility that you personally did not answer the interview questions, I find myself uncertain. I am basing my uncertainty on your lackadaisical attitude that is apparent in the replies to my previous notes that have been sent to your attention regarding C******’s teeth.
I have attached C*****’s written copy for your perusal. After doing so, I would appreciate your taking the time to notify me, either confirming that these are indeed the answers you supplied, or if C****** failed to complete his assignment per the instructions.
If these are your answers, ones that I find to be highly inappropriate, then I can only surmise that you do not take this class or my assignments seriously and suggest we confer as soon as possible in an attempt to remedy this problem.
C****** is an excellent student with above average grades. I would hate to see his GPA drop over some misunderstanding that has come about over our past dealings with one another.
Sincerely,
Mr. Pain In My Ass Teacherman
H-o-l-y.S-h-i-t! How damn embarrassing is that? After I looked up the words quandary, perusal and lackadaisical to make sure I was taking their meaning the right way.. and then actually looked at the paper, I decided my son’s ass was obviously begging to receive pain. Not because he failed to do the assignment per the instructions.. but because that butt head actually turned in the answers I gave him, knowing that I would have NEVER answered them that way if I had known why he was asking them…
Q: What’s your occupation?
A: I don’t have one, as you well know. I spend all day doing nothing, laying around, smoking, cussing, piddling around on the computer and looking for excuses to beat you, your brother and your sister because I know at some point through the day your going to need it. Might as well just get it over with.
Q: If you lived in the Middle East, what would your stance be in regards to the United States’ presence there?
A: Hmm, good question. I think my stance would more than likely be one in a hunkered down position behind a large tree or perhaps a building, way off to the side and away from the action, because I don’t want to get shot.
Q: How do you feel about sex on TV during prime time hours?
A: I think it’s great as long as you don’t fall off, and provided of course people aren’t sitting around trying to watch some program.
And then there were a few more that I actually answered seriously, ones about religion, presidential elections, and whatnot, but those didn’t get me in trouble so screw those. He also answered a few of them on his own, like my name, age, etc.. however, in light of the other answers, I wish hadn’t.. he could have at least made up some fake person, used his dad’s name or something.. anything but mine would have worked for me. But no, he had to give them mine and get my ass in trouble, probably so he could get a chuckle from his classmates and really earn that title of ‘class clown’.
So I sent the teacher his damn reply and told him what the situation was.. I’m not quite sure that he believed me because he is a pompous ass that apparently has no sense of humor AT ALL. He was nice enough however to give us a second chance to do the assignment properly.
So now that just leaves the bodily harm, then once again all will be right in my little corner of the world…
OH MY FREAKING GOSH!!!! I’m completely beside myself on this one. I can’t believe that he didn’t tell you why he was asking you these questions. That is like entrapment or something. I can’t wait to find out what you are going to do. You make me fear the teenage years!!!! LOL. I do have to say, this is some funny shit. I loved your answers! LMAO
OMG! This child must be made to suffer. I can’t even begin to think of a physical punishment great enough for this. I’m thinking psychological punishment may be called for in this case. The only thing that comes to mind is a story a friend told me about his mother. My friend had done something wrong at school, so for the next week she walked him to his home room. This in itself is enough torment for young teen boys. But she did it wearing a mini skirt, high heel boots and way too much makeup on. Feel free to use this technique!
@ Krystal.. You’re damn straight it was entrapment! He knew exactly what he was doing and I’m sure planned it out accordingly.
Unfortunately, it has his “style” written all over it. He’ll do about anything for a laugh.
@ Sharon.. LOL! Ohhh I would so love to do that and have it work. My only problem with it is I can hear him now.. “Yep.. uh huh.. that’s right.. my moms a ho!”
Trust me, he would find a way to make it work for him… the little shit. I think I’m going to have to actually draw blood for it to make an impact.
Go mean… take his teeth for a week.
Better yet… get some temporary color and dye them pink/yellow/blue/green (1 color for each tooth).
@ TwoCents.. LMFAO!! That could work! I think the whole reason he does the tooth dropping thing to begin with is an attempt to make light of the fact he has false teeth.. you know make a joke about them so no one else can do it and hurt his feelings.
I wonder if the color would eventually wear away, lol.. those damn things were expensive.
Damn. That is all I can think of to go there.
My mother would have killed me. That simple. Killed.
@ I Eat Snowmanpoop.. Mine would have too! Then my dad would have gotten a turn, lol.
I’ve obviously screwed up somewhere along the way.. seriously screwed up!
Holy crap. Sounds like something my son would do.
I have to constantly remind him there is grown up talk and school talk.
By 14 your boy is just looking for attention. I bet he got a good laugh if they read them in class.
If it’s possible you’ll have to embarass him somehow.
ACK!
I say hang his sheet out the window and tell all of his friends your airing it out because he peed the bed! I saw that on a movie once! LOL
LOL, don’t be to hard on him he needs his sense of humour to deal with that dumbass teacher. besides you know what THEY say, “An apple never falls far from the tree!”
Wow, I’m already going through enough with my 3 year old all of a sudden getting an opinion about everything, finally saying no in defiance and not listening at all. And what can I do about it? Nothing! *cries*
I am not looking forward to finding out what he will do when he becomes a teenager! I don’t think I could handle what you’re going through with your son and his teacher!
That teacher sounds like he just wants to get your son in trouble (maybe as revenge?), like he just doesn’t like him for whatever reason.
“That teacher sounds like he just wants to get your son in trouble (maybe as revenge?), like he just doesn’t like him for whatever reason.”
Somehow, I don’t get the feeling it’s that manboy in particular, the teacher doesn’t like. lol
What’s interesting is it’s almost the end of the school year. Why go off the deep end now? Have you been duking it out with this apple toter all year? Did something other than teeth and humor set him off?
@ Hammer.. You hit that one dead on. This kid thrives on attention, especially the kind he gets from being funny, lol. On the humiliating him in return.. you better bet your sweet ass I will… and with a great deal of pleasure I might add!
@ Krystal.. Eeww! LOL.. that might would work, but he would probably just pee on it for real to get re-even with me for that one.
Sorry, but it sounds like he did do most of the assignment. Or was he supposed to tell you about the assignment part before asking the questions?
I would say I am impressed with him.
But I do like the ‘hang the sheets out’ suggestion. Best way to punish him is by doing the kind of stuff that annoys him.
Your kids are something else, Lady!! How in the world do you get yourself into these situations? Huh? Huh?
Maybe that teacher has the hots for you, thus the letter writing…
@ Cathy… I agree with you. I have a hard time punishing mine when it’s something funny they have done that really didn’t harm anyone or get anyone in real trouble.. Embarrassment I can handle.. but it definitely calls for getting even.
@ Alisha… Yep! They start off young, lol. About when he gets older.. you are going to be AMAZED at what all he will do, and at what all you can handle. You definitely learn not to sweat the small stuff and to pick your battles that’s for sure, lol.
@ Freebies Etc.. Me?!?! Do something to tick someone off.. pfft. It’s just not damn possible.
Damn I hope God doesn’t strike me down for that one.. it was a whopper, lol.
@ joeinvegas.. Yeah, I’ll give him a point or two for originality and cleverness.. right after I pay his ass back.
I have the sheet thing on my list of possibilities, actually ya’lls suggestions are much better than anything I’ve come up with so far. They’ve tried me so much they know all my tricks by now, lol.
@ WorkAtHomeSpace.. My kids are a menace honey! They know it, I know it, and everyone that knows us knows it!
Speaking of the “hots” issue, lol.. in one of my earlier notes to him, after they had become the “I don’t care” notes.. I asked him if he was flirting with me, lol. I went a couple of weeks after that without getting one.. maybe I should try that again.
He seems to embarrass rather easily that’s for sure. Or either the notion of it made him ill.. I dunno, lol.
Being somewhat of a sadist, I believe I have an answer that you may find appealing. Nothing says “Child Services” faster than physical beat-downs, so you have to be a little more crafty than that. Psyche is key.
Scar the little shit for life!
Casually remark on his.. masturbatory practices (whether real or not) to his friends when they are present. You’re a mother, you know exactly how to embarrass the hell out of your kids. Its instinct.
Not only does it get the point across, it is damn good fun. Go for it with both barrels a-blazin’.
Unless your a sissy-mom. You don’t want to be a sissy, right? I shall wait for the war stories!
ahhh this post really takes me back… to when my kid was in middle school/ OK I got a call from Teacher A: she said ” I want to put your son through a wall.” I thought : 1. She is pretty honest for a teacher and 2. I totally share that feeling with you, but sadly we can’t touch him.
Teacher B gave my son the finger, and after everything he had done to torment her, he marched to the office and reported her. That started a War which he lost and he had to transfer to another school.
I won’t even talk about teachers C thru Z it would take too long.
just know that they do straighten out eventually. (or move out anyway)
i do feel your pain.
oh that was worded badly–teachers never straighten out , they stay warped forever. kids straighten out …
@ Joshua Xalpharis.. LOL, you won’t find a sissy mom here sugar! When it comes to payback for one of their antics.. ALL is fair!
Thanks for the advice, lol.. I’m thinking I might have a little sadist in me too. And you are absolutely right.. it IS damn good fun. I think I might enjoy this kind of shit a little too much actually.
@ Ched.. Holy hell! LMAO.. my boys would have loved hanging with your son!
His exploits with teachers A & B alone would have landed him solidly up on a pedestal in their eyes.
Hero worship would have been his for the taking with two minions ready to follow in his footsteps!
Thank God their paths will never cross! LOL
I can’t take it anymore!!! You all scare the hell out of me. I have 4 kids, two girls and two boys. Parenthood is going to be the death of my sanity, I’m sure of it. I live in a small town where transfer is not much of an option. If I have to home school, you might as well give me Lithium and Valium now or I shall not survive. I truly believe that children are the reason we have psych wards! LOL. You all crack me up! I can’t believe some of the things your kids have done….Oh well….I guess I should just enjoy the ride because the good times make the bad so worth it.
Remember this incident for major payback time. I’m sure you have a long list for all your kids. Payback’s a bitch and well, ya know, you’re a bitch, right? LOL! And a damn good one, I know!!!
I’ve got a 14 year old daughter that sounds like him. I just recently got her, and school right now is THE issue. I get notes too
@ Krystal.. LOL, and just think.. you haven’t even heard the really bad stuff.
@ Collectively Cool.. Oh hell yeah I’m a bitch! I’m an excellent bitch.. not just a good one, lol. And damn proud of it!
@ GUNZ.. Oh you poor thing! I fell for you sugar. Honestly my heart goes out to you.
Do you just cringe every time you see one, thinking oh hell, what now? Lord knows I do. It can get very depressing, because with some of it, I just don’t know the right way to handle it and I second guess myself nonstop.
The really bad part is that each time after I think “what now?” It’s usually followed up with a “He did what?!?”
Ok, I’m a teacher, and mom. So I’m not going to address your son’s issues here.
Simply because I think he is very funny!! And you, clearly, have a fantastic relationship with him! But rather the teacher’s issues.
How can the teacher dock your son’s grade just because he didn’t like your answer? Your son did the assignment. He wrote down’ your answers, of course your ’smart ass mom’ answers and not your ‘professional mom’ answers, but he did his job. What’s the teacher’s problem?? I just think that he doesn’t get you…
I, however, do get you and I believe I love you… and your kids!!
@ Smiling Mom.. OMG! I think I love you too!! You have NO, NO, NO idea how much it means to me to hear you say that.. not the love part, lol.. well that too, but the teacher part.
If the man wasn’t a constant source of humor for me, and so far harmless in regards to my son and his grade in the class, lol.. I would have complained on him long ago.
I really think he is in the wrong profession though, lol. Maybe not the wrong profession but age group that he has chosen to teach. I mean some antics are just going to go along with teaching 14 year old kids.. that’s a given. I think he should be teaching college students.. or perhaps some octogenarians, lol.
I think you are absolutely right though, he definitely doesn’t get us.. at all.
Thanks so much for the confidence boost on this one. It’s greatly appreciated!
1. You do realize you should be getting detention hall and not your son.
2. Your answers are funny.
3. Maybe the teacher wants to get it on with the Ms. Groovy? Huh? All this note writing back and forth…
4. Get Ipods for all the children and make them wear it - that way they don’t ask questions and can’t hear when the other one’s are asking how much for a blowjob!
lots of love thanks for the laughs.
Instead of accompanying your son to school dressed like a ‘ho, maybe you should go the curlers-in-hair, mumu with snaps up the front housedress and ratty bunny slippers route. Now THAT would embarass him. And get Mr. I’m-too-snooty-for-my-job Teacher to back off at the same time…
This was so funny - I can see that I’m really gonna be in for it when my son hits his teens. He’s pretty funny now!
That was great. You are officially my morning entertainment.
We aren’t going to let our boy become a teenager. Nope…
Why is it male children have to get thier teeth knocked out at an early age? I suffer from the same problem your son does, mind you, I keep my teeth in and try to not gross anyone out (most times)
@ notfearingchange… I thought about that, lol.. me being the one that should be in detention.
I’m thinking if anything, Mr. Anal Teacher is repelled by me hahaha. I damn sure know he repels me. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what type of woman would want a man that was so damn serious like that, about everything. Hell my main criteria for a mate would be you need to be able to make me laugh.. if not, don’t bother.. please.
@ Sayre.. I’m going to have to add your suggestion to the list girl! I rarely take them to school (or pick them up for that matter, lol)in anything but pajamas so most people have at some point seen me in them.. but not the kind you suggested.
I’m envisioning an old Carol Burnett routine type get up from your description. I like it! Of course I would have to go shopping for all of it.. well except for the bunny slippers, lol.
@ Ryan… What?!? And miss out on being made a fool of, having them scare the life out of you by staying out too late, tearing up your cars while learning to drive, punching holes in your wall during their teenage angst phase, etc, etc, and so on! That’s the fun part of parenting!!
On the teeth thing, I think it happens to the male children because it works out nicely for Halloween parties.. he was a hockey player this past year, lol.
A toothless princess or fairy just can’t pull off the look as good.
I think a good job goes for about $5,000, a good blow job should set you back about $50. There, now they’re set for their next interview assignment, and when you get the next note from Mr. Sourpuss, you can legitimately tell him that your kids got the answers from the internet.
@ limpy99.. LMAO! But can we quote you and give your name? He must be able to verify our sources you know.
Oh my GOD! Your child is funny. (but it’s only funny when it happens to someone else).If it was me, I’d be mad too. But probably only at the teacher. He sounds a bit grumpy. Perhaps he needs to get laid. (your son should put THAT in writing! Hahah)
OH wow…you sure do get yourself in some messes GL! I’ve read this a couple of times…and am still LOL!
Yes, I think your son needs a really, really good crack with that whip! lol
I’m guessing you don’t have a lot of parents lining up wanting to carpool with you, huh?
Oh man! Your son sounds awesome! And so do you! Really! You guys rock. You shouldn’t kick his ass, you should shake your ass with him. He’s very cool. Maybe. OK, so maybe not. This reminds me of that great Ramones tune “Beat on the Brat with a Baseball Bat”. Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh oh!
What’s this below “Eating Pussy”?? Gotta go …
That kid is a GENIUS. Someday he will use his powers for good, rather than evil. But in the meantime, I agree, some bodily harm is in order.
@ Michelle.. LOL! I’m not sure anyone would want to be on the receiving end of his getting laid.
@ WAH Opps.. He needs a daily beating is what he needs. It’s always something with that kid.
@ tysgirl.. LOL! You would think huh? Sadly that isn’t the case, we pack ‘em in like sardines.
@ Dan.. Thank you, he really is an awesome kid, funny as hell.. always. And just where were you when I was asking everyone I know for songs that implied “inflicting pain on someone”? I needed you!!!
@ Terri.. LOL, you mean there is hope for him yet? Yay!
Well, I am a teacher…..but I must say, I LOVE having students like your son! I have an extremely sarcastic sense of humor. This humor is often lost on my students. However, from time to time I will encounter a fellow smart-ass ( albeit future smart-ass). While I have to keep them in line, I secretly ADORE them for their charm and personality!
Also, I tolerate it much better in boys….girls are evil!
Hope the beating went well! (hee-hee) I will need some pointers from you as Junior Mayhem is already causing ALL kinds of problems at “school” and he is only three! Did either one of your boys ever stomp the foot of a teacher, just because she had the audacity to put him in time out? Yeah, mine did that last week! JEALOUS?
@ Queen.. I’m a big fan of sarcastic wit and dry humor myself.. which probably accounts for the reason my children are still breathing.
On the foot stomping, lol.. no I can’t recall either of mine ever doing that to their teacher, however there was one (accidental I think but the teacher didn’t) head butting episode that developed over coloring a pants leg instead of the coloring paper. That one got us booted from 4K.
I have a feeling Junior Mayhem and my boys would get along rather nicely, regardless of the age difference, lol, and probably call him “that cool little dude” for the foot stomping alone.
[…] Since I’ve become quite accustomed to getting notes from one of his teachers, having been weekly pen pals for the last three months and all, I pretty much figured out who the note was from. So I anxiously jumped up from the couch with a smile on my face and a little skip in my step, and made my way into the kitchen. - Grrr.. what in the hell has crawled up that man’s ass and died this time? Worse.. what has that child done now to tick him off? - […]