Southern Girls
Women around here.. I’m in Alabama by the way, basically come in three varieties:
Old South - think the debutante type. All charming and proper with big hair. Okay, not really big hair, but poofy, flouncy hair. Well forget the hair, some of them have normal hair and I’m not really sure poofy is a word. Let’s just leave it with charming and proper.
Normal - like me of course! Can fit in just about anywhere. From dive type bars to country clubs, and all the things in between… because we just rock like that sugar!
And then you have the Big Bertha type, and no, not the golf club. Think more along the lines of the German Howitzer that goes by the same name, weighing 43 tons, firing 2200 lb. shells over 9 miles and scary as hell. I’m sure other states may have their own Big Bertha types.. but I guarantee you that a southern Big Bertha can kick their asses.
Well yesterday when I went to get my kids from school, one of these Big Bertha types whose name is Candy, which just cracks me up because she is sooo not a Candy, of course I would never laugh about that to her face because she’s big, hairy and scary… hell I started rambling didn’t I? Where was I.. she parked in a really foolish place in the school parking lot, but that wasn’t entirely her fault because the parking lot is just totally screwed up and the pick up line blocks all the cars that are parked there until at least 3:15. She was apparently checking her “in the near future will be yet another Big Bertha” daughter out of school and had parked to go in and get her.
Now those of use who are smart, we go through the pick up line to get our kids. But you have to get there at 2:15 even though school doesn’t get out till 2:45, to avoid the traffic pile up that occurs every afternoon. Okay, so BB (which is what I’m going to call her now because I’m tired of typing Big Bertha) was parked and I was the unfortunate one that had her blocked in. She cranks her car up and starts backing up. I tapped my horn as if to say, “Are you fucking blind?” She stops and looks up at me and very obviously mouths the word “MOVE”.
“Well, you know bitch I can’t.. okay?” went through my mind. There are cars in front of me, cars behind me.. lots of them. In order for her to get out of that spot a minimum of 30 cars would have had to move. Now I wasn’t opposed to moving had she gone and talked to each one and said back up and they actually did it, but she didn’t do that, so I shrugged like what do you want me to do and then went back to the really hot sex scene in the book I was reading.
I heard a car door slam. I just knew it was her so I looked up and oh holy hell that woman looked like she was the missing link.. or perhaps King Kong’s second cousin. HUGE! She roared.. “You need to move, NOW, I have to go!” So I looked around at the cars blocking me in and asked her, “Well now sugar where exactly do you expect me to go? I’m blocked in too, as you can plainly see.”
She said, “I don’t care where you go ’sugar’, just move, I have to go.” To which I replied, rather damn nicely because I was starting to get more than a little pissed myself, “I’m sorry, but there isn’t really anything I can do until they move the traffic. Wish I could help you out but I can’t.”
Then she says, “Look, it’s your choice, move or I’ll move ya.” And she pointed at her car, like that was what she was going to use in order to move me, and spit out some chewing tobacco or something when she said it. Alright the spitting part was a lie but she was the type that probably does. Anyway I’m thinking, pfft.. my ass you will Mighty Joe Young… which of course I didn’t say out loud because I’m not stupid.
Instead I asked the obvious.. “Are you insured? Because if you are, then go for it. If not, well then go for it anyway, because I am.” And smiled at her.. real sweet like those Old South women do because she was bringing out the bitch in me that loves to come out and play far more than she should.
Next thing I knew.. oh hell, no she did not! Oh hell, yes she did! That bitch was opening my car door! I would be lying if I said I got even more pissed off, because I didn’t.. she flat out scared the shit out of me! I was on the verge of crying and begging forgiveness for sins I had never even committed, but like hell if I was going to let her see that.
Instead I said, “You need to back off! What is your problem anyway? Have you not been coming up here everyday to get your child and seen the mess this parking lot gets in? Didn’t you know you were going to get blocked in?” All the while playing tug of war with her over the car door. I really wanted to win that door back because I thought I could lock myself safely inside the car, and do the smart thing that any decent southern women would do and call my dad crying for help.
Anywhoo by this time it was hitting 2:30 when the children who ride the school buses get dismissed. Traffic was already backed up down to the main road and people that park down the hill and walk up to go collect their kids were starting to pass by. We got a couple of redneck dudes who stopped to linger, I’m sure in the hopes of seeing two chicks duke it out. A couple of moms standing there who I just know had their hearts breaking for me and thanking their lucky stars it was me and not them that had her blocked in.
And then… one really sweet guy that came over.. a fellow that I would have gladly stripped down for and been his sex slave for life if he had asked.. because I was just that damn happy to see him. He secured my door from her ham-like paw and closed me up inside my car and stood there.. he didn’t say a word to her, he just looked at her and she finally walked back over to her car and got inside. I thanked him, begged him not to leave me alone with her, he promised not to, I waited expectantly for just a bit in case he read my mind and I was really going to get to do him in the parking lot after all.. but no luck there, and that was that.
So the moral of this story is.. Southern girls, as a general rule are nice normal people, who of course, since I am one.. rock! But if you see a Big Bertha coming your way.. RUN! Or lock yourself in your car before it’s too late. Oh and if you are someone like me, that has never been in a fight in your life and know you are going to get you ass kicked.. call you dad for help… just in case it comes to that against your will.
A southern girl is always prepared! Well no we aren’t obviously, but it sounded good and I just wanted to say it.
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