A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and put his “manhood” in a vice. She secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hack saw.

The husband was terrified, and screamed, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to cut it off, are you?”

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband’s hand and said, “Nope. I’m going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to.”

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Yesterday afternoon my phone rings. It was our extremely funny priest. He used to be a Baptist preacher and converted to Catholicism then later became a priest. I am trying to talk him into starting a blog, hahaha.. he’s probably one of the most interesting men I know, but that’s a different story.

He was calling since he couldn’t talk to me after mass because I didn’t go. I’m a sinning heathen and a bad Catholic.. not really, I just liked how that sounded… okay, maybe the sinning part is true, hmm alright damn it.. it’s all true. My kids did go though, with my mom.

Anyway, he said something interesting happened after church service down in the Parish Hall. They serve donuts and coffee in there every Sunday after mass. Everyone goes down to partake of the free grub and chat, you know since they have just been cleansed and it’s a new week and all.. gotta get it started off right with some gluttony and gossip!

Okay, where was I.. he said he wanted to tell me an interesting story that involved my 6 year old daughter…

Priest: “Your little girl asked me if I wanted to play a game with her, so I said sure, what do you want to play?”

6 y/o: “We could play Hide and Seek.”

Priest: “Okay that sounds like fun.”

6 y/o: “We have to see who is going to be ‘it’ first. Put your foot over here.”

Priest: “So I put my foot over next to hers and she started saying a little chant thing while alternating touching our feet.”

Me: “Oh like an eeny meeny miney mo thing?”

Priest: “Exactly! But hers went something like this…”

6 y/o: “King Kong had a rubber ding dong, what color was it?”

Me: “Oh holy hell! No she did not! *laughing* What did you say?”

Priest: “Well after I quit choking I said.. Ummm black? And she proceeded to spell out b-l-a-c-k on our feet. I was ‘it’ by the way and hell isn’t holy in case you were unaware.”

He’s such a cool guy. But the moral to this story is, when your young child comes up and asks you, like mine did one day last week, “What’s a ding dong?” Don’t tell her/him it’s a snack cake made by Hostess.

That is NOT what they mean when they ask you that question.

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My younger brother is a Gunnery Sergeant in the USMC. He is stationed in Cherry Point, NC, where he lives with his wife and two young children. He has already served two tours of duty in Iraq and one during Desert Storm. We just received word yesterday that he may once again be deployed to Iraq.

It made me think of an email I received the other day from an acquaintance. It had a link to a video on YouTube that just really hit home with me. Many of you may have seen this already, however, to me it’s the kind of thing could and should be viewed over and over again.

Regardless of where you stand.. everyone NEEDS to remember…

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My 6 year old daughter, who has waist length hair, has to have her dance pictures made today.

We get to put on make-up, pull her waist length hair up in a cute little bun on top of her head with feathered accessories and don various outfits of tulle, sequins, spandex, little string things, pink tights, nude tights, black tap shoes and pink ballet shoes, that after all was said and done cost about $300. Not a bad price for a combined total of wearing time, that includes the recital, of about 30 minutes. Woohoo! What a bargain! Only $10 per minute!

Did I mention that she has waist length hair, actually longer. Here let me show you. This picture was taken last Sunday at our church’s Easter Egg Hunt…

See, long hair. Long, long hair. Up until yesterday it is all one length of long, long hair… until they had art class that is. That’s when the little shit who sits next to her decided to cut a chunk of it off with her damn scissors. Now she has about a 1 and 1/2 inch section, right along the hairline on her forehead that stands straight up because it’s maybe a 1/2 inch long.. if that. That’s going to look real cute with the rest of it pulled up in a bun.

I’m pissed off. The kid could have at least waited until AFTER she had her $65 worth of pictures made. Nope, doesn’t matter.. I’d still be pissed off. Scissors in school should be banned!

Now I’m off to the salon to buy what will probably end up being $50 worth of products, in the hopes that at least one of them will glue that crap down long enough to say cheese.

32 Groovy Comments

Last night my 14 year old son came into the room, kissed me goodnight and told me there was a note on the kitchen counter I needed to sign. Then he took off running for his room.

Have I ever told ya’ll how smart he is? He was wise to run.

I ever so sweetly called after him to come back and bring me the note.
- You better get your butt back in here right now and bring me that note! -

So of course I was thinking.. he’ll be here any moment now with the note in hand. - Yeah that’s right little man.. run and hide, run and hide. -

Instead, from the distance of several rooms, a hallway and a flight of stairs, I heard a rather wimpy, “I love you Mom.. g’nite” and the slamming of a bedroom door. - Crap! I’m going to have to actually get up! -

Since I’ve become quite accustomed to getting notes from one of his teachers, having been weekly pen pals for the last three months and all, I pretty much figured out who the note was from. So I anxiously jumped up from the couch with a smile on my face and a little skip in my step, and made my way into the kitchen. - Grrr.. what in the hell has crawled up that man’s ass and died this time? Worse.. what has that child done now to tick him off? -

I was looking so forward to reading the 10 billionth pleasant little handwritten note on plain white paper I knew was waiting for me, but I couldn’t find it. - Where is my plain white paper note? No, no, no.. surely not! WTF?!? RED paper? -

It wasn’t a note at all. It was a form letter with lots of little check boxes (all empty) with offenses out beside each one. It had my son’s name on it, directly under the bold black heading that said, Notice Of Detention, and a fill in the blank line that had been completed to say, Report to school at 7am to carry out 3 day(s) of detention on 4/11, 4/12 and 4/13/2007.

- O-k-a-y! - Well that explained why he ran, but it didn’t explain why he got detention. I didn’t start to worry yet though because his teacher, being the proficient man he is at expressing himself, left me a clue. It was written slanted across the paper, very large and underlined three times in what appeared to be a black Sharpie..

“I HAVE HAD IT!”

Now I don’t know about ya’ll, but when I read that I kind of got the impression that the man was a wee bit perturbed. Obviously, this was a situation that needed to be addressed immediately and since I didn’t want to wake up the entire household, I called out to my son as quietly as I could but still loud enough to be heard. - C! GET . IN . HERE . NOW!!!”

He came dragging into the room, looking down at the floor and scratching his butt. He was trying his best to look like I had just woke him up from that sound 5 minute sleep he had enough time for.. pfft. I remained calm and in a soft spoken voice told him to tell me in his own words what had happened. - Start at the beginning! Leave NOTHING out! If you do, you WILL die before daybreak!” -

Here’s his story that came out in a couple of long run-on sentences. Needless to say, the detention is obviously deserved…

“Well you know how Mr. J gets mad if I do stuff with my teeth right? Well Z and I thought it might be funny if I put them in his desk drawer, so I did and when he opened it up, he screamed and everyone started laughing. He yelled at me to get my teeth out of his drawer and I told him I had my teeth in my mouth and then I smiled at him to show him and everyone started laughing again and I got detention. Then after class R told Z to ask me if I wanted to “go out” with her, she thinks I’m pimpin’! *insert his huge grin here*”

I suppose adding these…

… as a gag gift inside his Easter basket wasn’t so funny after all.

39 Groovy Comments