7 Groovy Comments Highway To Hell
Ya’ll we had the most exciting night around here! I just know that I am going to go to bed tonight with a smile on my face. Why?
WE’RE ALIVE!!!
The kids and I had to make an emergency run to the nearest Walmart which is about 20 minutes away. Apparently our local Piggly Wiggly doesn’t think it is necessary to carry calculators along with bread and milk.. dumb asses. I mean seriously, if you owned the only store, besides Chevron Quick Mart, that was open past 9pm, in a relatively small community, that has a grammar, middle and a high school.. which have a combined total of about 1,700 kids.. would you not have one hell of a school supply aisle? Well okay, calculators may be asking a bit too much.. but unless you need a 24 pack of Crayola Crayons or a poster board, you are just shit out of luck.
Okay, that’s beside the point, we had to go to Walmart because my 14 year old son remembered at 8pm that he HAS to have a plain, ordinary calculator with no special features by 8am in the morning. He’s taking the SATs and they get to use a calculator on the math portion, provided it has no special features and provided that everyone has one. He can’t use the scientific calculator that was required at the beginning of the semester.. the one that we were told had to be a specific name brand and model number.. the one that cost me $40+ bucks. No, it had to be the plain kind that I didn’t even know they made anymore.. the kind we do not own. So the three kids and I head off to Walmart.
I think my first mistake was letting my “scaring me to death while he is learning to drive” 15 year old drive us there. At night. For the first time at night. On the interstate. My second mistake was not making sure that my 14 year old son had no weapons on him. My third mistake was not asking my 6 year old daughter if she needed to use the bathroom BEFORE we left and my fourth mistake was a failure to ask everyone.. “Did anyone else forget they need something for tomorrow?” How silly and remiss of me.
At approximately 8:15 we are cruising down the interstate, everything is going good when my daughter informs us she has got to use the bathroom RIGHT NOW. We get off the interstate, go to McDonald’s where everyone of course got thirsty and chocolate milkshakes were bought all around. We get back in the car, realize the purpose of our stop never took place.. go back in, pee and leave. At 8:55 we get to Walmart, grab the calculator and had just gotten in the checkout line, when my 15 year old remembers he HAS to have a book for tomorrow, Agatha Christie’s “And Then There Were None”. I have no idea what the book is about, but that title proved to be true in regards to Walmart’s stocking of the book as well.
At 9:15 we are back in the car, heading to the OTHER side of town with Books-a-Million as our destination. Somewhere around 9:30 or so a Nerf missle went flying past my head, followed by several of its ammo siblings. I slammed on the non-existent brakes on the passenger side and sharply turned my imaginary steering wheel to the right, while my son did the same thing on the driver’s side with the tools that count. So it was probably around 9:31 when the two passenger side tires worked their way into a slight ditch that was just beyond the shoulder of the road.
After I realized everyone was okay and that the vile taste in my mouth had come from my stomach, I opened the door, gagged.. saw we weren’t stuck and then did what came natural.. I turned around and tried to beat the hell out of my son with the Nerf gun I snatched out of his hands.. and let me just say, that is one limber kid. I don’t think I got one good blow in damn it.
Everyone calmed down. I decided to let my 14 year old live since we had just gotten him a new $3 calculator. I certainly didn’t want to waste all that time and effort we put into acquiring it. We ended up having to go to two different bookstores before we found the book we needed, throw in a near turn onto a one way street and a couple of stop sign running episodes and our journey was complete with no further mishaps. Thank goodness!
Now I’m worn out. I feel like I aged 10 years in the few hours we were gone. However, since my oldest will get his bonus points for having his book on time, his brother now has a calculator and will not be the reason his classmates don’t get to use theirs and most importantly, everyone is still alive, I would have to consider the venture an overall success. So heck yeah! I will definitely be going to sleep tonight with a smile on my face.
Woohoo! We drove down the highway to hell & survived it…
WE’RE ALIVE!!!
Stupid Ass Mistakes
This post has been edited at the bottom to include a very important stupid ass mistake!
I am soooo very tired of making extremely stupid ass mistakes. Especially the ones that I keep making over and over.. but hey, I’m a sucker for punishment apparently and that is just a whole post to itself.. is it not? Hell, that is really more like a whole blog to itself. I wonder if RepeatingTheSameStupidAssMistakesOverAndOverAgain.com is available.
Anyway.. I’ve made quite a few mistakes this week that rank in the “Stupid Ass” category and since they are just really starting to bug the hell out of me, I thought I would vent here…
It’s a stupid ass mistake when you listen to someone that has lied to you repeatedly and decide okay, maybe this time they are telling the truth.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to think that a plastic Solo cup will actually hold gasoline and not dissolve the plastic, causing gasoline to spill all down the front of your clothes.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to tell someone that yes, you will take their kids to school since their car is broken down, bringing the total passengers in the car to 8, when your car only has enough seat belts for 5 passengers. Did you know that they give you tickets for each unbuckled person? Holy shit that’s expensive.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to think the police will overlook the fact that more than one person is confined within one seat belt and let you off the hook, “Just this once! PLEASE??? and not give you tickets for it.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to make one of your kids get out of the car and lay under someone’s really nice Cherry Blossom Tree and take a picture with your cell phone, so you can see what it looks like from that view point. Okay, that one may not be a stupid ass mistake if you want the police called on one of your kids because they are trespassing and some old bat screaming “I called the police! You better get out of here!”
It’s a stupid ass mistake to repeatedly let someone make you feel like a fool.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to repeatedly let someone make you feel like a fool.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to repeatedly let someone make you feel like a fool. Oh! I’m sorry did I already mention that? Oh well, maybe if I type it 100 times like they make you do in school, it might sink in.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to tell your kids it’s okay to shoot bottle rockets in your yard when it is full of leaves.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to actually spend a lot of money on a birthday gift for your ex (who isn’t technically your ex, but you don’t know what else to call him) when you know he won’t appreciate it, not to mention he doesn’t give you jack shit on your birthday. The things you do for your kids.. sigh.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to ever tangle/have words with someone in the school pick up line that by all outside appearances could be named Big Bertha.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to opt NOT to have the flag pole as your new hood ornament in order to get out of the path of someone that looks like her name should be Big Bertha. Oh.. I just decided I really need to do a Big Bertha post! I thought the woman was going to kick my ass. Seriously, she scared me! I’ll post that nightmare soon.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to tell someone you miss them too, when deep down you feel like they are only saying they miss you to get you to say that you miss them too. Geez that was a mouthful. And why do you think they are doing this.. to make sure you are still dangling on that stupid ass hook that so very obviously has your name plastered on it with a note that says.. I just love making the same stupid ass mistakes over and over again.. Please come toy with me!
It’s a stupid ass mistake to let five 6 year old girls spend the night. It ends up taking you forever to make one post.. like this one that I have been trying to post for 2 hours now.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to begin every sentence with “It’s a stupid ass mistake..” because you get really tired of typing It’s a stupid ass mistake.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to not wonder why your 15 year old son has several cans of spray paint. Unless, of course, you like your garbage can that is really owned by the Waste Management company to have graffiti painted all over it. They make you pay for that by the way and they really, really think their garbage cans are all that.. trust me on that one.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to make a deal with your 15 year old son that says it’s okay to put streaks in his hair, if he will get it cut, without FIRST finding out what color streaks he is wanting.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to go through an automatic car wash and forget to roll up one of your back windows.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to think that one of your kids in the backseat will tell you that one of the windows is not completely rolled up when you go through an automatic car wash.
Its a stupid ass mistake to let someone you are not sure you can trust be privy to your feelings, unless you like them stomped on.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to trust someone that you have NEVER been able to trust.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to not check and make sure your son who is learning to drive put the car in park and engaged the emergency brake BEFORE you get out of the car.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to let someone who very coldly walked out of your life six months ago.. back in.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to keep repeating the same stupid ass mistakes over and over again.
Ohh! And did I mention that it’s a stupid ass mistake to repeatedly let someone make you feel like a fool?
Yes I think I did! Can you tell which stupid ass mistake sent me over the edge and prompted this post? Yes I think you can…
Edit: It’s a stupid ass mistake to let your imagination run wild and jump to all kinds of conclusions. Damn it all to hell and back.. I really hate admitting that one.. but it’s true.
More Than Words
Actions speak louder than words. I’ve heard it a million times and have said it myself a time or three. It’s a common phrase that’s used all the time and can refer to just about anything.. how you live your life, the way you treat others, how well you do something, how you feel about someone or something, being sorry for something and so on.
I remember saying it to my youngest son several years ago, he was maybe 7 yrs old at the time. I don’t remember now what it was even in context to, but I remember thinking it was so cute when he very seriously asked me, “What do they say Mom?”
Well, we all know that depending on the situation they can say all kinds of things. Sometimes though, they say something to you that is so wonderfully sweet, innocent and loving, yet at the same time so out of the realm of the action itself that it moves you in a truly profound way and you can feel your heart swell. Like the feeling you get when you realize you truly love someone.. where you breathe in and the air expands in your chest and just holds there for a few seconds before it’s released.
That happened to me this morning in the strangest way. I was sitting in the recliner reading, it was around 3:00am, and my 6 year old daughter walked in the room. She had been asleep for several hours and was obviously still more asleep than awake. I sat up in the recliner and said, “Hey sugar, is something wrong?”
She didn’t say a word. She walked over and stood right in front of me with the sweetest smile on her face, put her hands up on my cheeks and started softly rubbing them. She moved her hands all around on my face, touching my eyes and mouth, then pulled my face closer to hers and kissed me right on the tip of my nose. I could feel her love for me, like it was this tangible thing that I could reach out and touch. Then I felt my heart swell, I breathed in and the breath caught in my chest and just lingered there.
I was thinking, “Oh my God, I love this child so much it actually hurts.” Then she turned around, pulled her pants down, sat on my lap and peed all over me.
As crazy as this may sound.. it was honestly one of the sweetest moments of my life.
For S…
Cruisin’ Together
Trying to teach my 15 year old son to drive, is the best cardiovascular workout I have had in years. By the time we reach our destination, I am sweating my ass off, have pumped God only knows how many gallons of blood throughout my body per second, I’m winded and ready to fall in a worn out heap of spent muscles on the ground. When he turns 16 and is able to get his license, I am either going to be the healthiest woman alive or dead from a massive coronary.
It’s starting to worry me a bit actually. I’m wondering if I should have been checked out by my doctor prior to taking on this new workout regimen. I’m pretty certain that doing nothing more than sitting there, should not produce heart palpitations, shortness of breath, leg and arm cramps, along with the occasional nosebleed that will sometimes, not always.. just sometimes accompany being thrown into a dashboard when someone going 50 mph decides to stop on a dime.
And no I am not buckled up in case anyone caught that. I just can’t bring myself to do it, even though I know I should. Normally I do, but when he is driving I just can’t.. I have this need to remain untethered in case I need to dive into the driver’s side and take control of the vehicle or something. Anyway…
I’m also a bit concerned that the muscles in my right leg are going to develop at a faster rate than those in my left. But since I spend the entire time he’s driving, trying to bore a hole through the passenger-side floor board in an attempt to apply the brakes, this can’t be helped. I’m now thinking that passenger side brakes should come standard on all cars for this reason alone. You have no idea how many times I’ve needed the damn things.
Poor kid, I’m actually surprised he is doing as good as he is. He always has the whole lot of us in the car with him when he drives, because it’s usually coming home from school, going to the store and things like that.
He has my 6 year old in the back acting as the town crier of speed limits and road signs. Non-stop calling out everything she reads.. “The speed limit is 50!” “Construction Ahead!” “The speed limit is 35!” “The speed limit is 15. There are children at play!” “Merge!”
My younger son, also in the back seat, saying stuff like, “I think I’m going to be sick. P you scare the crap out of me!” “Slow down I have to roll the window down so mom won’t puke.” Then he proceeds to poke his butt out the window and let whatever has damn died inside his ass out. This is something that I not only highly encourage, it is now a rule since I sure enough will gag and puke, just like I have on numerous occasions. Honest to God the kid is lethal!
Then, of course, he has me sitting next to him, impersonating an opera singer as he puts it… which I most certainly am not! I’m just highly excitable during that time. But he claims that I start off in my normal voice and go up in octaves until I reach the end of my sentence…
“Stay in your LANE!” “Watch out for that DITCH!” “Stop! Stop! Stop! STOP!”
I’m kind of scared for when he finally gets to go off on his own. I honestly don’t know how he will manage without all of us there to help him.
