Some people spit, some people swallow. Personally, I’ve always been a spitter and feel pretty confident I’ll always be one. There are just some things that (I think) are not meant to be swallowed.. EVER. However, there are those people in the world that can swallow most anything and not even gag. Then there are others that go ahead and swallow but practically throw up in their mouth because they can’t control the gag reflex that immediately follows when a gross substance is sliding its way down their throat.
Unfortunately, the option to be a spitter or a swallower without causing a disruptive scene has been taken away from us. Even more unfortunate is the fact that unless you are a professional with outdated equipment, there is absolutely nothing you can do about this travesty. Me being the non-professional, self-proclaimed spitter that I am, I think this sucks.
Now take my youngest son for example, he is a swallower-cum-gagger. I know this because he swallowed then gagged, which subsequently set off a chain reaction of me gagging and then his little sister. Hell, the whole incident affected her so adversely that she had to go running for the bathroom where she stood over the toilet dry heaving for 5 minutes. Luckily, my gagging fit was manageable since I only experience a couple of “Mmmuh.. mmmuh..” episodes while in the midst of a conversation.
It was a very gross moment for all of us. However, in my son’s defense it really wasn’t his fault since he had no idea he could spit if he wanted to. Some of you may be wondering how it’s possible he didn’t know this. I find nothing strange about it at all considering that each of the dental facilities he has visited are relatively new and no longer have the old fashioned spit sink that used to sit next to the patient’s chair. Now everything is done with suction. If you want to actually spit, you have to tell the dentist so he can stop what he is doing, get up and spit in the main sink located on the other side of the room.
Now tell me, if you happen to be a spitter too, just how frigging inconvenient is that crap? Personally, it pisses me off. There should be a spit sink damn it!
My 6 year old daughter, who has waist length hair, has to have her dance pictures made today.
We get to put on make-up, pull her waist length hair up in a cute little bun on top of her head with feathered accessories and don various outfits of tulle, sequins, spandex, little string things, pink tights, nude tights, black tap shoes and pink ballet shoes, that after all was said and done cost about $300. Not a bad price for a combined total of wearing time, that includes the recital, of about 30 minutes. Woohoo! What a bargain! Only $10 per minute!
Did I mention that she has waist length hair, actually longer. Here let me show you. This picture was taken last Sunday at our church’s Easter Egg Hunt…
See, long hair. Long, long hair. Up until yesterday it is all one length of long, long hair… until they had art class that is. That’s when the little shit who sits next to her decided to cut a chunk of it off with her damn scissors. Now she has about a 1 and 1/2 inch section, right along the hairline on her forehead that stands straight up because it’s maybe a 1/2 inch long.. if that. That’s going to look real cute with the rest of it pulled up in a bun.
I’m pissed off. The kid could have at least waited until AFTER she had her $65 worth of pictures made. Nope, doesn’t matter.. I’d still be pissed off. Scissors in school should be banned!
Now I’m off to the salon to buy what will probably end up being $50 worth of products, in the hopes that at least one of them will glue that crap down long enough to say cheese.
Woohoo! I am so glad last week is over! I am.. seriously. I found myself having to go out shopping every single damn day for something or other.. Easter basket items because I kept eating all the candy, clothes, shoes, accessories for outfits.. aggghhh!
I hate shopping to begin with, I always have. But I’ve found that the older I get I like it even less, which is something I didn’t even know was possible. I’m sure it has something to do with my goal in life to not get out of my pajamas unless it’s absolutely necessary, but I think it has more to do with an intolerance for the rude ass people who maul other shoppers.
Like the wench who acted like her elbow didn’t actually make contact with my left breast. The hag hit me so hard that it caused me to yelp and draw unwanted attention to the tit massage I needed to give myself to alleviate the pain. But did she say excuse me or I’m sorry.. oh hell no she did not. Rude bitch.
All that bumping, jostling and the “has cooties written all over it” invasion of one’s personal zone. It makes me frigging nuts! When I get to the point of feeling the veins in my neck popping out or have the urge to push someone down the escalator, I know it’s time for me to go. Either that or bop the next rude bitch that tries to mow me over and doesn’t say excuse me, upside the head with $150 worth of shoes and the Swiss Colony cheese log that screamed “Buy me even though you really don’t like cheese” as I was passing by.
It’s a damn nightmare and it turns me into this mean, vicious bitch who puts my normal bitch self to shame. I kid you not, something comes over me and it ain’t pretty. I actually turned around and snarled at one bleached blond bimbo, who really shouldn’t have been wearing that streetwalker outfit she had on to a mall, and said.. “If you step on the back of my shoes one more time, I’m going to shove those 3 inch heels you’re wearing up your ass.. so I advise you to back off bitch!”
The day before Easter people!!! I said that crap to someone the day before Easter. I should have been ashamed but I wasn’t. On the contrary.. I meant every damn word of it when I said it. I couldn’t help it, I really couldn’t. She had stepped on my heels and walked all up in my shit about 20 times and I said nothing. It was like each time she did it, in my mind I was saying, “please don’t do that, please don’t do that” …then I just snapped and what was in my mind at that point just came out of my mouth for real. You know she knew she was doing that! How could she not? But she just kept on like that was going to cause the people ahead of me, those of whom I was NOT trampling by the way, to speed up.
There should be some common knowledge shopping mall etiquette or something. Here’s what I think..
The main walkway of all malls should be traveled like roads and all shoppers should keep at least one “shopper’s length” between them and other shoppers at all times.
If you are going in this direction then stay on this side of the walkway, that direction.. then get your ass in the lane on the other side until you approach your destination.
The areas surrounding the kiosks are your turn lanes, when you get to the store you are wanting to visit, get in your turn lane and shoot the fucking gap. But for Pete’s sake do NOT go the opposite direction down a one way street!
I noticed a lot of people already do take this approach, whether it is a conscious or subconscious action on their part, who cares.. I’m just glad they do it and would happily kiss their ass in gratitude if they desired it. But the rude, “thinking only of myself” shoppers that I encountered last week, just completely ruined the whole mall shopping experience for me and turned it into a chaotic mess.
Maybe some signs need to be added, “Macy’s Exit 20 Feet Ahead”, and some strategic cell phone “rest stops” every so many feet or so for the idiots who can’t walk and talk at the same time.. the ones that find it necessary to come to a dead stop right in front of you to answer their phone or dial a number. I don’t know, but something needs to be done before I get arrested for assault while trying to hunt down a white hair bow and size 32 brown belt.
Whew.. well I feel better now having gotten that off my chest! So now that I’ve made all you lovely folks realize I should not be allowed out in public and that all of my shopping should be done online because of my pent up rage, I’m going to shut up with my ranting, sit here comfy in my PJs knowing I have done my part in educating everyone as to how I think shopping malls should be traversed.
Oh, and direct you to the post below if you haven’t read it yet and happen to be on the main page, announcing our contest winner.
This post has been edited at the bottom to include a very important stupid ass mistake!
I am soooo very tired of making extremely stupid ass mistakes. Especially the ones that I keep making over and over.. but hey, I’m a sucker for punishment apparently and that is just a whole post to itself.. is it not? Hell, that is really more like a whole blog to itself. I wonder if RepeatingTheSameStupidAssMistakesOverAndOverAgain.com is available.
Anyway.. I’ve made quite a few mistakes this week that rank in the “Stupid Ass” category and since they are just really starting to bug the hell out of me, I thought I would vent here…
It’s a stupid ass mistake when you listen to someone that has lied to you repeatedly and decide okay, maybe this time they are telling the truth.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to think that a plastic Solo cup will actually hold gasoline and not dissolve the plastic, causing gasoline to spill all down the front of your clothes.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to tell someone that yes, you will take their kids to school since their car is broken down, bringing the total passengers in the car to 8, when your car only has enough seat belts for 5 passengers. Did you know that they give you tickets for each unbuckled person? Holy shit that’s expensive.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to think the police will overlook the fact that more than one person is confined within one seat belt and let you off the hook, “Just this once! PLEASE??? and not give you tickets for it.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to make one of your kids get out of the car and lay under someone’s really nice Cherry Blossom Tree and take a picture with your cell phone, so you can see what it looks like from that view point. Okay, that one may not be a stupid ass mistake if you want the police called on one of your kids because they are trespassing and some old bat screaming “I called the police! You better get out of here!”
It’s a stupid ass mistake to repeatedly let someone make you feel like a fool.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to repeatedly let someone make you feel like a fool.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to repeatedly let someone make you feel like a fool. Oh! I’m sorry did I already mention that? Oh well, maybe if I type it 100 times like they make you do in school, it might sink in.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to tell your kids it’s okay to shoot bottle rockets in your yard when it is full of leaves.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to actually spend a lot of money on a birthday gift for your ex (who isn’t technically your ex, but you don’t know what else to call him) when you know he won’t appreciate it, not to mention he doesn’t give you jack shit on your birthday. The things you do for your kids.. sigh.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to ever tangle/have words with someone in the school pick up line that by all outside appearances could be named Big Bertha.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to opt NOT to have the flag pole as your new hood ornament in order to get out of the path of someone that looks like her name should be Big Bertha. Oh.. I just decided I really need to do a Big Bertha post! I thought the woman was going to kick my ass. Seriously, she scared me! I’ll post that nightmare soon.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to tell someone you miss them too, when deep down you feel like they are only saying they miss you to get you to say that you miss them too. Geez that was a mouthful. And why do you think they are doing this.. to make sure you are still dangling on that stupid ass hook that so very obviously has your name plastered on it with a note that says.. I just love making the same stupid ass mistakes over and over again.. Please come toy with me!
It’s a stupid ass mistake to let five 6 year old girls spend the night. It ends up taking you forever to make one post.. like this one that I have been trying to post for 2 hours now.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to begin every sentence with “It’s a stupid ass mistake..” because you get really tired of typing It’s a stupid ass mistake.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to not wonder why your 15 year old son has several cans of spray paint. Unless, of course, you like your garbage can that is really owned by the Waste Management company to have graffiti painted all over it. They make you pay for that by the way and they really, really think their garbage cans are all that.. trust me on that one.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to make a deal with your 15 year old son that says it’s okay to put streaks in his hair, if he will get it cut, without FIRST finding out what color streaks he is wanting.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to go through an automatic car wash and forget to roll up one of your back windows.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to think that one of your kids in the backseat will tell you that one of the windows is not completely rolled up when you go through an automatic car wash.
Its a stupid ass mistake to let someone you are not sure you can trust be privy to your feelings, unless you like them stomped on.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to trust someone that you have NEVER been able to trust.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to not check and make sure your son who is learning to drive put the car in park and engaged the emergency brake BEFORE you get out of the car.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to let someone who very coldly walked out of your life six months ago.. back in.
It’s a stupid ass mistake to keep repeating the same stupid ass mistakes over and over again.
Ohh! And did I mention that it’s a stupid ass mistake to repeatedly let someone make you feel like a fool?
Yes I think I did! Can you tell which stupid ass mistake sent me over the edge and prompted this post? Yes I think you can…
Edit: It’s a stupid ass mistake to let your imagination run wild and jump to all kinds of conclusions. Damn it all to hell and back.. I really hate admitting that one.. but it’s true.
I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong, but I’m attracting some really freaky attention here lately. And no, I don’t mean from cops (thank goodness), Johnny Depp (mores the pity), or a former mullet wearer that I’m still lusting after.. and on that last one, all I can say OMG! I wish!
Anyway.. I was playing Spades at Pogo.com last night when this drunk dude enters the room. He told me I was beautiful and that he wanted to do me in the stream that’s in my background picture.
She’s not a bad looking one dimensional chick, but you know.. hmm it’s an avatar… YOU. DRUNK. IDIOT!
Anyway, I ended up splitting when he moaned in type.. “umm mmm ohhww, baby I luv u. I can make u feel reeeaaal good. Hey babe, take off ur panties, slide’em up that hot ***** and tell me what it feels like.” Suffice it to say that he was quickly upgraded from “YOU. DRUNK. IDIOT!” to “YOU. SICK. PERVERTED. CREEPY. ASS. FREAK!”
Okie dokie! Moving right along…
The next fellow was a younger man and started out with with what have been some potential if I was 36 years younger. I was sitting outside watching my little girl play with some of her friends. My mind was just drifting along. Actually, I was wondering why Burger King quit selling the Yumbo. Does anyone remember that? It was a really good ham sandwich that had melted cheese on it and was quite tasty. They used to offer it back in the 80’s, around the time when their nasty ass fish sandwich was called a Whaler. Anyway, while I was Yumbo pondering, the little boy from next door, he’s 8 years old, comes running up and hugs me. He kissed me on the cheek, told me he loved me, threw an object at me and ran off.
I was thinking.. “Awww! Just how cute is that?!?” When the object he threw at me started scampering up my frigging neck. The little shit threw a bug on me! I assume the nasty thing didn’t like being on me anymore than I liked it being there or else it wouldn’t have traveled the ENTIRE length of my body looking for an exit ramp. I did all the typical stuff that comes with a full blown case of the heebie jeebies, making you look like you are suffering from palsy or some other horrible affliction.. jumping up and down, shrieking “eeeeewwwww!”, shivering from head to toe and basically just beating the hell out of myself trying to get the damn thing off me.
To hell with cute! I mean how damn nasty and creepy is that? I’ve already showered and scrubbed my body until it’s raw and I’m still going to feel that sucker crawling on me for days!
If anymore younger men (over 30 PLEASE!) decide you want to give a relationship with me a go.. this is for you…
Oh Sam! If you read this, this one is for you since you obviously have no concept of what tomorrow is.
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